Beauty

Sometimes a person just lucks out.  Amazing to me is the need for beauty for some people.  Aesthetics, finely tuned senses, need for eye, ear, well, senses appeal.  I look around my home and see this beauty, and thankfully, I also mean the beauty in this picture.

I look out in the morning at the mountains.  I look out in the evening at the string of lights around the deck off the bedroom, the attractive furniture and the amazing blue color over the mountains.  I marvel daily that I have legal rights as a couple and that  we are respected, legally, here in Oregon.

I mention my mate to people who celebrate us and understand we are as much of a couple as anyone else.  We sit down and work out bills, housing, vacation plans, feel pain, love and struggles and Leigh makes me realize that I can be proud to be who I am.  She has a ferocious protection toward our family as a unit to be just as valued as any other.

I love her determination, her dedication to us as a family and our times where Tigger, our cat and buddy, joins us to look out over all that we worked to gain.  We dream, feel, hope and work toward a full life together.  Alaska was not nearly as accepting or welcoming to us as a "real" couple.  I nearly returned to Oregon acting and feeling somewhat homophobic.  I was afraid to be out, in a real way, in that I did not feel safe in Alaska with that.  I have a home in Michigan, a state I love, but one in which I have no legal rights as a gay couple.  I own a home and deserve all of the same benefits of any other home owner, however, my mate could be barred from a hospital room there if I became ill and really needed her there.  That's really inexcusable.  Really.

So, I will gladly live in Oregon, though I miss my home state a great deal.  I will proudly announce that I'm legally joined to another human being, an amazing human being.  I will accept her compassionate love and grace.  So, beauty.  Beauty means to me feeling safe to love, looking around at fantastic surroundings, hearing great music, smelling good food cooking, tasting life fully and touching the people and the things that I love.

Party

The top picture looks just like those I took from the cabin in Homer, AK.  Not so, however.  This picture was taken from the balcony, outside my bedroom window, from my home in Salem, OR.  The second picture is the view straight down.  When Leigh said that I would be happy to move back to Salem and that she would see to it that I had a view of a mountain, well, she meant it.

So, we threw a housewarming party last Saturday to share in the beauty of this home and its setting.  The folks loved it.  Further, we met the "other side" of some of our friends.  Leigh and I gained the reputation regarding our party-making ability.

First, we made sure we had plenty of snacks and good music.  Then, our friend, a beautiful woman, performed a fantastic belly dance.  Huge hit.  We moved onto to Guitar Hero and Rock Band and something happened to each party participant when either handed a guitar or a microphone.  One rather seemingly quiet couple sang loud "heys" into the microphone.  One of those two joined the belly dancing as well.  Another couple surprised us by learning the bass guitar parts and by singing loudly and happily to Muse's Uprising.  The evening was full of laughs, food on the grill, delivered flowers and a final performance of hula hoop tricks in the dark, with a led lit hula hoop.  Ya'll come back now, ya hear.  We had so much fun.

We find that we are now part of the world of belly dancing in that we were invited by our friend to see her show at Vino Vixens this past Saturday night.  It was a beautiful night.  Then on Sunday we we attended World Beat and ran into an acquaintance there who invited us to her belly dancing tribal show at 4:00, right then and right there.  That was good as well. 

This summer is shaping up with so many fun things coming our way.  Today, I go to the surgeon to find out about the tendon healing around my ankle.  I have had to sit for months so finding so many entertaining things to attend, sit at, has been a saving grace for me.  Concerts, friends, BBQ's, movies, guitar hero...lots to look forward to and lots to talk about.

Doubt = Loss

There's this song that goes:  "Have you ever wondered why some men crawl while some men fly, it's a decision of the soul.  Life is always what you make it, you can live or you can fake it, it's a decision of the soul.  Anytime your life is changing, it's your soul that's rearranging."  There's more, howver, I think you get it. 

I am in the process of moving forward in my life and realizing that my thoughts direct flow, divert flow, promote or stifle flow.  I heard it said for years that we manifest what we think and I believe the meaning of that dawns on us slowly over time.  So, if I think, pray, focus on positive things theywill happen.  That which we focus on grows.  There are ten powerful two letter words: If it is to be it is up to me.  There's Zig Ziglar, Tony Robinson, Marianne Williamson, Jesus, Dali Llama, greatness pinpointed in a specific human being, varying degrees of greatness spreading messages of hope and self empowerment.

Dare to be self directed.  Dare to say the most positive thing that can come to mind when someone shares their good news with you.  Dare to support, encourage, hold up, push when necessary and above all promote childlike enthusiasm in the belief that anything, everything great is possible.  

I am a flower, a one of a kind.  I am a rock that chages sizes.  I am a blue sky when you look up and see me smiling at you.  I am the reason you woke up warm this morning and the reason you're excited about crawling into bed tonight.  What if we thought about that each day?  What is we celebrated our own importance to another person?

Sure, life is about the carpet choices, the art on the walls, the car in the driveway, the kink in the garden hose and the haste to remove it, the flowers that live and die and teach us how to take care of the next batch, the cookies that drip warm chocolate down the side of our lips, the great feel of new socks, the smell of our lover's hair, the sun on our face, the moments where tears fall because we love someone so much. 

The best part for me is realizing what it is like to feel safe, really safe with the expression of any thought or emotion.  What it really means when someone means it when they say they don't judge.  I like the shocking surprise of how even keeled I can be when "loved right".  The woman in the picture above is looking at me when this picture was taken.  She is looking at me.   I get that; I get that love, I get her love.

Doubt has always equaled loss for me.  Period.  I have doubted some people and their professed love for me and I have always been accurate in that doubt. 

So, the opposite of doubt, what is that?  Compassion, love, knowing, believing...well, then, I believe.



Family First

Leigh took this photo from our front yard in Alaska.  No words describe this level of ethereal.

Hello.  I write to you from Portland, OR, where I am reuniting with my spouse after being gone for one month.  It has been hard to be apart after joining together.  I am so happy to be home with her and thinking, planning and being together.  I love our cabin in Alaska and I love also that home really is wherever we are together.

There is much to do in regards to joining our lives in this physical constructed reality.  Each of us has had dreams that we have surrendered to time consuming relationships.  Each of us has been involved in life in a way that pushed to the back the ideas and hopes we had as kids.  Each of us understands what it is like to sit in the row boat with a partner who rows for the opposite shore, rowing against each other and away from successfully living out potential.  Sad that, however, we are not alone and many a person sits still in their 50's and wonders where they got derailed. 

Then we watch movies.  We read books.  We listen to friends.  We listen to people at gatherings and somewhere in us this ember deep inside each of us begins to glow just a little more brightly.  We sit in prayer, we meditate, we smell a flower, feel the breeze on our face, and sometimes sit in a boat and feel the breeze and sun on our face.  We open our senses to the smell of water, the sound of the sea gulls, the taste of ice tea and we know that these moments swell like the light from a firefly.  We see our path as lit in that moment to sitting fully where we are, exploring, knowing, feeling....content.  And then we get it; if we think about all these moments like strings of lights on a Christmas tree, each light a moment lit by the same current, we see it.  One current runs through the wires that fill the space between each light, each moment.  One current, powered by a source strings together each of these beautiful lights.  Each light, moment, though in a separate space on the current, is part of that string of lights, that strung together produce the ooh and ahh's sounds from human observers.

That's my life, I am my own string of lights, I am made up of each of those moments lit by one current, one source.  Strings of lights come in different colors, just like people.  Strings of lights come in different shapes, just like people.  Strings of lights come in different lengths, just like people.  And when we join our string of lights together, called family and friends, we light up the planet.  I am beautiful on my own; my moments are beautiful, my source is beautiful.  And while I was in Alaska, away from my Leigh, with my string of lights, I felt just a little less bright.  We stayed plugged into the same source, the same source of power and current, however, the physical touch is where we join our lights together.  Think about hugging a child and how both the adult and the child get "lit" up.  Think about petting a cat, a dog, any animal and remember how both get "lit" up.  Think about holding the hand of your lover and glow with that smile.

I am home right now and I am feeling our connection, our needs, our happiness at being in the same space and realizing that we need to put each other first.  Not one other opinion, but that of our Creator, matters when it comes to putting family first.  She is my mate, my friend, my reason for lighting up in the morning.  I feel so peaceful just writing this.  Like the picture up above.  The moments before, the bright light moments, glow as memories, the dark moments might actually be the cord between the lights, still connected to spirit and learning for the next bright light show.  And the moments to come?  Well, as long as I stay connected to the source, each bulb will get that little twist it needs, just at the right moment to light up and join the others.  Further, as long as I stay connected to the people who love me, I'll never have to feel alone and neither will they.  What great purpose we have together, this, being the light of the world.

Mountain Majesty

Sunset last night at Bishop's Beach

I was sitting in meditation this morning, sage burning, soft music playing and felt this pull to open my eyes, to look out.  There, in front of me, this majestic mountain range held up the clouds, punctuated by spots where the peaks poked through.  My eyes held and soaked in the peaceful blue of the sky and I watched as eagles, seagulls and ravens flew by.  The world, everyone else's world was happening as I was trying to slow my down to focus on the Creator.  I opened my eyes to Creation.  Eyes closed:  Creator.  Eyes open:  Creation.  There is no separation only degree of foucs and intention. 
Human beings often cannot realize the proximity of their own heart to their spine, their knee to their foot, their hip to their shoulder.  Referred pain or traveling pain, like the shoulder is hurt and the pain travels down to the hand, seems foreign to us due to the perceived distance.  And yet, all is connected.  For example, if we hurt a foot, it throws off our back to walk and thus our neck.  Not much distance between that foot and that neck, just perceived distance.
Not much distance between spirit world and this physical constructed reality either.  One person described thin air as spaces where spirit can really be felt.  Some call them the vortices, such as those found in Sedona,  AZ.  I propose that it is all thin air, that there really is not distance at all between the Creator and Creation.  I am part of Creation, you are part of Creation, therefore, we are part of the Creator.  I wonder if that mountain range looks back at me and purports such a thought as this, "Look at her standing on that bluff, the blue sky around her, her beautiful green eyes and listen to her sing as she fills the air with song."  I wonder if that mountain would like to get together with me sometime, have me climb about on her and sit on her.  Two friends, part of the Creator and Creation. 
I am one.  I am two.  I am all things, everything if I accept being fully connected to all.  I do my part and what about this ability, if part of all, to draw on all for wisdom, healing, teaching and knowing?  Think about it, if you will, we have access to all historical records in the sound of the whale, hundreds of years of history recorded in the rings system of a tree, century old rocks that have seen it all, other humans who have specialized in something and access to the Great Spirit, Gitchii Manitou.  Confusion and suffering is optional.  Eyes wide open, heart wide open, curiosity pedal pressed to the floor, wondering alive and moments to ponder plenty...I see you.

Pheasants and Beautiful Scenes

Pheasant through glass, not under glass, my kitchen window.  Found the big bird in my kitchen staring at me, not even injured.

Couch in front of window.  We've been cleaning up glass for days.  I am so glad nobody was sitting on this couch.  Glass shards and possible impaling by pheasant.

Just saying hello to ya'll from Alaska.  Usually wearing a coat it seems.

Right off the bluff in front of our cabin.  We think the pheasant that went through the window was being chased by one of these eagles.

Eagle at attention as I walk by to see another.

I walk up on eagles in my trees, sit by eagles, pet eagles and stand by eagles.  How glorious.

A few months ago at Bishop's Beach.  There is much more sand showing now.

No matter what is going on around us there is always something of beauty on which to focus.  Sometimes we find ourselves in a room full of people so different from ourselves.  There is strength in numbers so if we are different than the group we are with it doesn't mean we are less than.  We are just different.  I once sat in a classroom of all African Americans in a Black Literature class just to feel what  it was like to be the minority in the classroom.  I loved the class, the teachings and yet I felt very uncomfortable each time I entered the room.  I talked, looked and experienced life differently than the majority of foks I was sitting among.  I was young and did not have the courage to inquire into their experiences; I was there for the love of literature and to feel, to experience what it must be like to stand out in a room as the one who was very different.  I have carried that teaching with me forever and it has provided me with a better degree of compassion.

In the movie the Green Mile, the Healer, falsely accused and living on death row, just before being executed states that he can feel the hatred toward him in the room of watchers.  He said it felt like a hundred bee stings.  The guard told him to just feel what the guards felt toward him because they had respect and love for him.  That was a powerful moment for me in the movie, a reminder that all sorts of people can be around us, judging us, determining our worth from their position of superiority and yet if we just center on, focus on the love of the people who see our hearts, we will be okay.  Focus on the Creator, focus on good, focus on loved ones...they might not be right in the room with us, however, they are there in spirit.  My prayer?  I hope that I am a someone that brings peace, a feeling of safety, a good thought, a smile, when someone I love is feeling down, or maybe just not supported or is in a rough situation. 

Women in Alaska

FIRST FEMALE BUSH PILOT I WAS ABLE TO PHOTOGRAPH

Women of Alaska, the smile of many a newcomer to Alaska is the thought that many of the women act and look like lesbian women down in the lower 48.  It's not so much the look, it's the energy.  And it's a compliment.  It does make it hard for a lesbian woman to arrive in Alaska and know who to ask out on a date.  Okay, maybe some of the look indicates a willingness to grab a galeforce wind, motor a skiff out on rough waters and fillet one's own fish, however, that aside, it's still the energy.  Yes, the clothing sometimes consists of great boots, jeans or wind pants and fabulous technical season gear.  The Subaru vehicles will be complete with Kayak racks.  I may have just described myself in some fashion.  Let's see:  I drive a Subaru, ride bush planes nearly daily to work, own a chainsaw and work in rather lawless settings.

While sitting at my first fundraiser dinner in Homer, a large group of actually quite feminine looking women were announcing that the women of Homer are great.  They were telling me it may be hard to find a great man in that there is somewhat of an Alaskan flavor to the men.  I listened intently and then they went on to talk about the self sufficient, neat, wise, smart, talented women of Homer.  I announced that life had started to look up for me because I bat for the other team.  They laughed so hard.  And there I was, out in Homer.

I have found a freedom in the clear talking about who I am.  Somewhere along the line I had swallowed a huge dose of homophobia and had begun to think that I should not put people through listening to me describe the love in my life because it might make them uncomfortable.  Love, the talk of love, making people uncomfortable?  And yet, hours are spent discussing ugly events and darkness and negative, fear-making stories....then, I realized that we are also asked not to openly talk about our love for God because that might make people uncomfortable.

I find myself living in a world where talking about the two great loves of my life:  God and my beautiful wife, Leigh, might make people uncomfortable. Imagine that.  Really, hopefully imagining that makes people uncomfortable.

I am a Native woman, a recovering alcoholic starting my 24th year of sobriety on March 21st (all glory back to the Creator), a lesbian, two-spirited, spirit healer minority, minority, minority.  I am supposed to be the silent, marginalized, living on the fringe, lacking a voice, oppressed woman, according to societal expectation, and yet, I have never felt so alive and powerful. 

Ahh, I think it has something to do with love.  Love from Joan, my adopted mom, and love from my elders in Salem and love from people who have earned the place of family in my life.  And most of all, this strength comes from my love both to and from the Creator and from my beautiful spouse.  What does all of this have to do with the women of Alaska?  Well, I'll tell you.  They would be proud of me for standing up, pulling the starter cord on my chainsaw and asking, "Do you really want to tell me that who and how I love is wrong?"  Hmmm....

Adventure

Fitness level we're working on returning to.  Leigh two years ago.

We have had so much fun in Alaska.

Leigh in Portland looking a little different than when she is in Alaska.

Leigh in Alaska; the entire outfit, sans hat, is mine.

Life has taken very interesting turns.  When Leigh and I first met, we each had significant struggles.  After months of sharing a very deep love we have both come through many things to arrive at different levels.

We're handling life together, with a devotion and caring that really does put each other first.  When the property management company called from Michigan on Monday to announce a huge septic system repair, we worked through that together.  When I was put back in a camwalker and placed in painful physical therapy for weeks, we handled that.  We got our passports, changed my address to Portland, studied for my National Examination together and I passed that.

We have faced challenges together, things tough to any relationshipp, and more so for a new joining.  We talk at all hours, skype and work toward living together as soon as we can.

All has come into a new light for me tonight after waking to the tsunami warning siren a few hours ago.  We are a village on alert for the next several hours.  Leigh and I had fallen asleep on skype so she heard the siren and has been awake with me tonight as we wait for our waves and wind to hit.

It is amazing ride, this, and I am happy with my life-partner choice, with knowing that we are working toward being together and with the peace I get when I trust the Creator to take care of all things. 

It is the morning after the tsunami warning.  I am tired, however, I am so grateful that we are all okay.  My prayers go out to the people who are dealing with loss everywhere today.  My next adventure will be my bush plane ride out of Nanwalek at some time when the planes can make it in.  Bush pilots are amazingly fearless and very good at what they do.  They land next to the beach here on a short strip.  I'm glad that strip is still out there this morning.

Move

I spent the past month in Oregon taking care of a lot of business and pleasure.  I was sent outside from Alaska to take care of myself while a difficult situation resolved itself.  I thought I would have to adjust to the noise and traffic, however, I have been able to relax.

Leigh and I moved our lives forward and today spent the day in my storage area looking for ways to merge our households more.  I moved every box in there which was no small feat.  I am grateful for the help from the foot surgeon. 

Last Friday I took my National Examination and passed.  I was amazed to get the results right then and there.  That was the last step in Oregon licensure.  It could transfer to Alaska as well. 

So, in one month, we completed the exam process, registered as domestic partners, started to merge our households and we're leaving for Alaska in a few days.  Leigh gets to spend 10 days there with me.  We have lots of friends waiting for us to celebrate passing the exam, becoming legal partners and Leigh's turning 50 in the beginning of March.  I would say that my life is coming together in some amazing ways.

All glory back to the Creator.  And, I might add, I have had a blast with my friends in Oregon whenever I was not deep in my studies.  We're planning our Michigan summer trip and all that entails.

Domestic Partners

There is this thing in Oregon called a Domestic Partnership.  First, let me tell you, the form is excruciating, the process enduring, the frustraions, huge.  Moving mountains to please the State, priceless.  I went to Alaska prepared to face a life of service, something akin to those vows made by nuns.  I could work, play with friends and cavort in the snow, all single, all in the service of the Lord.  I had a calling, a calling to serve.

I sat in the cabin, when not serving, and thought about my life.  Seems the events of the past four years wound around time like a coil.  I had no idea what might happen if I let just a little tension off that coil.  So, I took a risk.  I was perusing a site and saw this woman that made me stop, ponder and write.  I thought, seriously, I did think, "This woman won't write back to me, I'm in Alaska and she's in Oregon."  Those of you who know me know that I challenged those odds.  So now the story is no longer about me.  The story is now about We, Akki and Leigh.

Priorities

Of late, I find I'm asked to examine my priorities.  You see, I've reached the stage in life where I'm all about maintaining the success I have achieved.  That's the theory anyway of career maturation.  I find, however, that I have entered into a relationship that turns my head to stare at the view.  This past Sunday, while at church, I had a great time seeing my friends.  We greeted, hugged, welcomed, fussed over and enjoyed a great deal of connecting.

We looked at a house and wondered at living back where I moved from before I landed in Alaska.  I visited with friends at their houses and cheered on the end of the Superbowl.  People asked if I would have more time to see them and I had to put forth the effort necessary to prepare for my exam.

I met with the foot surgeon today to receive a prescriptions for 12 weeks of physical therapy, the word "fragile" as it now relates to my other foot and some more limitations.

I studied hard today, filed for my passport, changed my address and prepared a few steps closer to my goals.  We worked together, played Guitar Hero, loaded my iPod, given as a gift and spent time talking about plans, goals and needs.

Potential is in the future.  Whatever I am doing right now makes up my priorities.  We're doing our priorities.  I'm asking questions regarding my potential, my limitations and measuring the length of my wing span.  I am prepared for take off.  Navigation nearly at the ready.  Direction still not locked and loaded.  Desire, plenty.  Flying doesn't really require the use of my feet.  Thinking this through.

Moving Forward

I have been chunking out a 550 page study manual for two weeks now.  I have just under two weeks left until I take the examination.  I have taken study quizzes, practice exams and read all but 100 pages of the manual.  Several years of education are summed up in that manual and in this study process.

Some of the information rocks my world and reminds me why I got into this field.  Other of it provides hours of pure tedium as I memorize so many things.  I realized, however, from a Native friend that it is important to ask the Creator to help me prepare.  So, I have begun to include that request in my daily prayer time.

Circumstances are changing rapidly in my life.  I have been forced to face that which I'm willing to sacrifice for a job.  I have come to realize that I have spent a lot of time recently dealing with unrealistic expectations toward me and from me.  I have not felt safe in my work for a very long time and a recent situation escalated that feeling and sense of threat.  I have had to ask myself several questions regarding my own obligation to myself and those outside me that love me and want me safe.

Sometimes, it is hard to see the picture when we're in the frame.  In this case, the situation mounted, the expectations toward me, the messages that I would be the problem if I could not handle very difficult situations and all of that has entered my awareness as I take a break from all of it.

So, back to my studies and more on the adventures of life soon.

Guitar Hero 5, to be precise

I recently had a visitor who went to hang her coat in my closet and saw the stack of boxes containing Wii, Guitar Hero 5 and the like up in my closet.  I had a tv given to me here in that I had lent mine to someone else in Salem.  This tv here has some qualities one remembered from years past and so I thought better of trying to hook a bunch of electronics up to it.

Not so much my friend, however, she hooked all of it up let's say 10 minutes, whipped out the guitar and started to jam.  Keep in mind that when I moved into my cabin I didn't even have a microwave.  There was no beeping, humming, background noise of tv, nothing.  I loved the silence, loved it.  I started slowly adding creature comforts to my life and the noise level escalated.


So, that night there was a fire in the woodstove, the winds was blowing and the cabin was rocking with tunes.  I was able to hook my bose speakers to the tv so the sound really is loud and great.  She is accomplished at this game and thus I found those flying fingers impressive.  Watching her, though, I thought that is just not something I see myself doing well.  She was/is fast.  So, this past Saturday night, while on Skype together, I asked how to get started.  I did beginners, strumming for a little while, she moved me to easy and I started to add notes.  On Tuesday I decided that I had been at this for a few days so I should try medium difficulty.  I was being told that most people take a year of practice to move through medium.

Okay, I have two new addictions: skype and Guitar Hero 5.  I burned through four medium sets and am now having to practice hard.  The goal has become not to get kicked off before the song ends.  Last night Kryptonite smoked me and I went to bed wondering if I could get through it.  This morning, I did.  You see, my goals in life have become pray easy, pray lots, pray hard, work hard, work easy, play hard, play easy, love easy, easy love, love is easy, love hard, not love is hard.  I am having so much fun with toys, friends, dancing.  I am finding out that the Creator does mean for each of us to have prosperity and love.

I have no hate for anyone in my heart.  I love that feeling.  I have ceased judgment and accepted that I am not God and am not qualified to judge anyone.  I have no idea what the big picture of their life has done to them.  In other words, the more humility I live with, the more fun I'm having.  Get that.  Who knew?

Popcorn

Okay, I like popcorn, plain, buttered, full of hot sauce, I however, do not want to be the popcorn.  I was the popcorn this morning on the bush plane flight in.  Plane popcorn, versus, plain popcorn.  Sort of funny, that.

My buddy, school counselor, sat next to me and burst into tears as we dove and twisted.  I sat calmly next to her rubbing her back as she leaned forward to hug the seat in front of her.  Two weeks ago she was in a near collision with another bush plane up over Saldovia.  Her year or two of scary flights, her near miss and her very angry pilot after that near miss, took its toll this morning.  I thought she was really brave to get back in the plane and to keep going.

The ice is profoundly intense here today and we're all walking carefully.  It's been more difficult for people to be happy in that winter is dragging on, gray skies, rain, snow, ice, wind...I'm finding out about the depression in the villages and in Alaska during the winter months.  I, however, discovered the Guitar Hero that has been in my closet.  This past weekend I started strumming as a beginner and with Leigh's encouragement, tried easy.  I think it is so much fun.  As I study for this exam I allow myself two songs for every chunk of study time.  I think I'm still a external reward based person.  Oh, that would be Behavioral Theory.  See, Guitar Hero is helping me study.

Off to the business of being the therapist, a role.

Focus

I had forgotten just how goal oriented I am.  I like to set a challenge, set the steps to meet it and execute those steps.  I realized today that I have a deadline to meet in February and added physical fitness to aid in my focus.  I have been somewhat challenged in that regard since my foot is back in an aircast, however, I am finding ways to work around that.

This time it's my right foot and I'm finding that I will have to work around having two feet challenged by potential fractures.  It makes it hard here in Alaska to get around, however, I am maintaining a good attitude around that. 

Today, I met my gym goal and am confident that with persistence that I will meet my larger goals.  I met a friend for dinner, worked at the office, studied hard for an upcoming exam and spent time with Leigh on Skype.  I think I might be a Skype addict. 

I see this time of focus as a good time.  I like the concreteness of the goals I have set. 

Let it Snow

I was supposed to fly out today to the village and could not because of the bush planes being grounded by a blizzard.  I was told that the winds in the village were reaching 50 miles per hour.  I have no desire to get on an airplane of any sort in those winds.  My friends in the village let me know that I did not want to get on a plane.  I think it's nice that we watch out for each other.

I understand the Alaskan fatigue with cold weather around this time of the year.  We are staying in more, resisting public outings and making more excuses to just build a fire in the woodstove and stay in.  I find I'm using the overhead lights more in the house; I usually cannot stand so much harsh light, so that I have a sense of more daylight.  The sun starts coming up at 9 and makes it all the way up between 10:00 and 10:30 am.  Then, the sun heads back down around 5:00 pm.  It's not what people think that it is dark 24/7 here.  I'm told we have to go further up into Alaska for that to happen.

I'm told that the sun stays out until 11:30 pm in the summer and that we all will go wild with our kayaks and such.  I know that the tanning places are looking good.  The steam room at the gym is a happy place.  The bed with the electric blanket on, lovely.  I am gravitating toward anything warm. 

So, that's the way we get through winter here.  We watch movies, exercise a lot at the gym and at home, have people come over so that we don't have to go out, make the outing at a restaurant so everyone will show up, clean up email on our computers, sort out photos and take care of any business that we don't want hanging over our heads in the summer time.  We clean, dirty, clean, dirty, clean.  We brave walks on the beach in the bitter cold.  We find a few close friends and go with the flow of hanging out in our own homes until we're absolutely ready to gear up and head out.

It's relaxed, no pressure and respectful of each other's quest for peace.  There is something to be said about living where the elements determine the activity level.  We are so in the now.  I think that at the same time, we're looking really, really forward to the sun, warmth, 67 degrees, like that's 60 degrees warmer than the usual winter day, of the promised summer months.  In the meantime, I'm hitting the gym, a nap and more work today.  The pace works for me.

Love

The writing of my last post allowed me to pour out my sadness at hatred, punishment, silence and judgment between human beings.  I have had so many people in my life for a million years, exaggeration, smile, that have known me through tough times and happy times.  I have held the hands of many people through both their tough times and sunny times.

My college buddy and friend, sister of over 30 years was drawn to me when she showed me that she had made the dean's list and according to her I exclaimed, "Good for you."  She said it was so hard to find people who are genuinely happy for someone else's success without lamenting for themselves.  I just knew that at that moment I was really happy for her.  I believe it was kind of her to point out my support and enthusiasm.  I became aware at that moment of the profound impact of the lack of selfishness.

I have loved so deeply in my life that I have had to turn my head, avert my eyes from another human being's pain.  I have loved so hard that I have held eye contact during deep times of pain.  I have been forgiven many times, thank God for grace, and I have forgiven many times.  This all adds up to a knowing about community.  I am working hard to return to my loved ones all that they have given me.

I make mistakes and instead of being chastised, humiliated or denegrated, my friends smile and point out that everyone makes mistakes.  I remember each time this has been done for me which allows me to listen graciously and gracefully to my loved ones when they talk about their own mistakes. 

I live in Alaska, am a spirit healer and am being more supported in my life than I ever imagined possible.  I have so many people that I can't wait to talk to and who can't wait to talk to me.  So, the other side of writing about my sadness regarding hatred, is to write about my joy at loving and being loved so profoundly.

There are some very sick, angry people out there and those people are not happy unless they try to bring us down to their level of misery.  I like where I'm sitting and encourage all of us to ignore heartily the opinions of the those who are seeking company for their misery.  There are way too many of us out here who truly want the best for people.

Thank you for being my rock, my water, my love, my air, my wind, my voice when I am tired, my spirit walker when I need it, my friend, companion, my voice of reason and truth, my support, my eyes when I do not see clearly, my ears when I am not listening, my heart mirror, my idea buddy, my soul trip companion, my navigator, my faith lived, manifested and real.  Thank you, all of you.

What Really Matters

Hate.  What an interesting right one has.  To hate, to judge, to make suffer, to feel wronged to the point of punishing.
What really matters?  I know that I had a falling out with a friend that really mattered/s to me and chose to continue a relationship with someone who she really felt strongly about.  I chose the person, who now practices active hate toward me, over my friend who really saw this coming.
Now, this caring friend had her third stroke this week.  It is very serious and I am fortunate that she is willing to forgive my not listening to her warnings. 
I am struggling to forgive myself for practicing self righteous anger and not moving forward from a position of love to thank her for truly caring about me.  I can only make a living amend and be the most forgiving person I can be, open myself to listening to my friends and make choices to surround myself with people who love me just the way I am.
This week has taught me a valuable teaching.  Time is of the essence.  I find myself really writing that list of people to whom I humbly owe an amend, especially if I assumed without gathering the facts directly from the person.  I wish us all the presence of mind to truly love.

Alaska

I looked up as I put things in my car at the office today and there was this moose, not just the scat I find in my yard

At the drugstore today, I saw this sign

This baby moose, with its mother, just dropped slowly down to his/her knees to eat grass.  I watched in wonder at this today

The sunset a few nights ago taken from the front yard of the cabin

Balance

My colleague showing me some fun around the village




My colleague in one of the villages said, "You're a candle right now burning at both ends."  I thought about that as she continued, "There used to be three people doing your job; the organization lost funding when they terminated their grant writer and now you're doing the work of three people."  She added, "And furthermore, you are being asked to be away from home far more than any other staff; you live the life of a crabber."

As I crawled back into my own bed the other night, I thought about what she had said.  I have been very tired since arriving on this job.  Tragedies, trauma and only one of me seemed to creep up on me in light of her words.  I realized that I have been avoiding difficult cases so that means compassion fatigue might be setting in.

There has to be a way to plant some balance in all of this.  Whenever I try to express the unrealistic nature of the demands placed on me, I hear from my higher up peeps, "That's why we asked you what you do for self care right in the interview."  Self care on this job is really just like rearranging chairs on the titantic.  No kidding.  I'm overworked, not given good sleep accomodations and when I try to advocate for my self care, I am sort of blamed for not practicing better self care.  Seems a bit awkward to continue so tired in any case.

So, tomorrow I fly back into one village for two days, return home Tuesday without sleep, try to get some Tuesday night.  I will work 20 hours in those two days.  I'll return to the office on Wednesday to work and then fly out for another 20 hours in another village Thursday and Friday.  I will work hard to help as many struggling folks as I can.

Friday night will mean returning home exhausted and ready to rest up for the weekend.  I love my cabin, my view, my peace in my home and the friends that surround me near and far.  That's the balance I keep in spite of this job.  This candle needs to burn at one end only.

Wind is still blowing here

Big winds.  Eagles flying sideways winds.  Sleet, hail, rain, whipping winds.  I was warned that January and February were windy times up here, but geesh.  We're talking soaking wet clothes with water-carrying winds. 

Mittens, off and ready for the dryer.  Rain gear hanging to dry out hopefully before tomorrow.  Serious packing underway to head into the villages.  Planes grounded and some flying in tipping from wing to wing.
Welcome to Alaska. 

I believe I have met myself here in terms of facing the final frontier, as Alaska is called, and seeing what I'm made of.  I have been judged by some of the most accomplished at judging human beings out there and none of that matters compared to facing myself and knowing.  This majestic State will do that for a person.  I have absolutely nothing to prove to anyone anymore.  Least of all, to me.

New Day, New Year

The wind is blowing hard tonight.  Clean up on Mother Earth.  Out with the old, in with the new.  Old as dirt; dirt that has blown around for centuries or longer.  The original recycling of all.  Is there a space far enough away for the wind to blow out what is old?  I am thinking about the cyclones, the tornados, the push of wind and water everywhere so large that news stories focus on the power of Mother Earth and the Powerlessness of the people.  The wind is blowing hard tonight, clean up on Mother Earth.

No need to fear anything in the New Year.  If the wind is recycling all that is said, blah, blah, blah and done, then we've seen it all before.  Another theory; the wind may bring to us things from far away places. Messages carried on the wind.  Who knows how to talk, read and understand the language of wind?

 Natives believe that all scent and sound is carried on the wind.  Parable:  the wind and the sun were having an argument about who could get the man to take off his cloak.  The wind boasted and blew and blew and the man held his cloak on.  The wind gave up and the sun took over.  The sun just lit up and in no time the man had taken off his cloak.  The gentle approach, otherwise known as heat, accomplished the task. 

The wind is invisible and yet much is described as being carried on the wind.  The wind moves the tide, the waves, the currents.  The wind carries our scent to animals.  The wind moves the tree branches, carries along the birds in flight and bounces our little bush planes around.  We talk about the winds of change. 

Can the winds bring change or do things stay the same?  Can wind reach the place where we think, reach into our brain?  Wind through our hair, kites held in the air and the windmills of our minds.  So, how do we actually accomplish that out with the old in with the new thing?  Where do we put the old?  I believe we recycle it, repurpose it and regurgitate it. 

I recently heard someone described as a windbag after he monopolized a meeting.  I laughed because that term has always been funny to me.  There was such disgust in her spat out windbag. 

So, out with the old, in with the news.  Breaking news, that is.  Another year of herding our thoughts and ideas into the stalls.  Like the car is stalled, the engine is not turning over, we're going nowhere riding on the waves of carefully installed fear.  The boogie man, the big plan, the end of man.  Where will it all end?

I think I'm supposed to care about all of this and yet I just know that the Creator has a real plan, a real hope for woman and man.  So, I'll ride the wind, ask for direction and use faith as the rudder to take me places where higher thoughts lead to higher hopes.  I'll climb on for the continued magic carpet ride, the spirit time, the no reason or rhyme, rhyme or reason, tis the season to say, Happy New Year and to be believing that this year will be the one. 

So, here's to learning to speak Wind, to finding a place to place the old that you out, and for open arms to welcome the new.  Here's to leaning with the winds of change in a flexible way.  Here's to breathing in and breathing out; in other words to gaining comfort with both giving and receiving.  Here's to accomplishing change like the sun on the man with the cloak, not as a windbag forcing others to listen.  Here's to hearing the Good News, tuning into the highest frequencies where only love exists. Peace.