My colleague in one of the villages said, "You're a candle right now burning at both ends." I thought about that as she continued, "There used to be three people doing your job; the organization lost funding when they terminated their grant writer and now you're doing the work of three people." She added, "And furthermore, you are being asked to be away from home far more than any other staff; you live the life of a crabber."
As I crawled back into my own bed the other night, I thought about what she had said. I have been very tired since arriving on this job. Tragedies, trauma and only one of me seemed to creep up on me in light of her words. I realized that I have been avoiding difficult cases so that means compassion fatigue might be setting in.
There has to be a way to plant some balance in all of this. Whenever I try to express the unrealistic nature of the demands placed on me, I hear from my higher up peeps, "That's why we asked you what you do for self care right in the interview." Self care on this job is really just like rearranging chairs on the titantic. No kidding. I'm overworked, not given good sleep accomodations and when I try to advocate for my self care, I am sort of blamed for not practicing better self care. Seems a bit awkward to continue so tired in any case.
So, tomorrow I fly back into one village for two days, return home Tuesday without sleep, try to get some Tuesday night. I will work 20 hours in those two days. I'll return to the office on Wednesday to work and then fly out for another 20 hours in another village Thursday and Friday. I will work hard to help as many struggling folks as I can.
Friday night will mean returning home exhausted and ready to rest up for the weekend. I love my cabin, my view, my peace in my home and the friends that surround me near and far. That's the balance I keep in spite of this job. This candle needs to burn at one end only.
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