Seeds

Hello.  Last week I grew very tired, overstimulated, discouraged and fearful.  By Friday night I was a mess.  I had forgotten something, something very important.  God did not bring me this far to leave me now.

I lost sight of my faith and felt alone with a huge assignment.  My friends reminded me of the Daily Word subscription they gave me for a gift and I went in search of it, found the envelope, opened it and started reading.  Here is the first page for the Sept/Oct issue:
Seed Ideas by Norman V. Olsson
The seeds of the harvest
produce next year's yield,
cultivated with faith
in their native field.

God ideas as well,
soon after their kind,
reap fruits of abundance
in a fertile mind.

We are the harvesters
of spirit and sod--
our season eternal
in the fields of God!

Now we can use Creator, Higher Power, no belief, whatever, however, not one of us lives in a vacuum and that which we do impacts other people.  From that knowing, I can choose to believe that my Creator will help me finish the good works I have begun or pretend I'm really in this alone.

I got scared.  I need to develop quickly my therapeutic expertise dealing with sexual molestation, extreme internalized oppression based in historical trauma and working in settings nearly null of boundaries. 

I felt fearful surrounded by folks who place a great deal of pressure on me:  keep the house spotless for the Realtor to show, the one place I need to relax felt stressful after last week; my boss left me with burned out staff members to help during my first week on the job; I feel lost a lot; I had my first nasty airsickness and thought I do not want to fly four times per week; I learned about just how many plane crashes happen in Alaska; I doubted my ability to handle this job, this move and this change.  So I slept this weekend.

I woke to a few realizations.  I have been placed in a fertile field, one where planted seeds may grow long after I'm around to see their fruit.  I may have been sent here to touch just one life profoundly or many.  I don't know. 

I know these things:  My healthy breakfast tasted good and I am grateful for the kitchen, roof over my head, stove, food and all items provided to me to nurture myself.  I am grateful for the running water, a big deal here, the heat on demand, this computer, my ability to be mobile and my new-found ability to stop trying to gain approval from people who don't even have it for themselves.  I am grateful for Pat and Barbe giving me the subscription that I find grounding.

Just like anyone else I am doing the best I can.  I heard a man tell his child the other day, "Do your best, forget the rest."  I heard a man tell a person, "There's falling down and then there's falling down and rolling around in it."  "There's dying and then there's dying in a good way."  One of the Course in Miracles teachings tells us that God will heal us as He/She is teaching us how to heal someone else.  Already I heard myself asking a trauma survivor if she feels ruled by the two words, "if only" and she said yes.  In that moment I felt myself let go of a really big if only.