Why We Don't Fly Fish Naked

Just one of the topics we discussed tonight. Alaskan humorist who draw cartoons to make it clear why we don't fly fish naked and other such nonsense.

Alaska where the night lasts all day--great place for a one night stand.

Alaska: the odds are good and the good are odd

I asked them how anyone could drive around with an old van that has large gold words on it--free candy. We discussed how wrong that is on so many levels. I told them that this van would immediately make my friends suspicious. They laughed out loud and said, "you think." And yet, the man drives around town in that van.

The house that says the name of the town followed by Bible Academy. The Academy was purchased and turned into a house, the family lives there and the sign remains right on the side of the house.

The What Would Jesus Brew on the coffee shop window.

The t-shirt: your bait stinks and your boat is ugly.

The clinics with signs outside that say: We remove fish hooks here. The hospital that has a huge poster person that the fish hooks are placed on.

The sign: If you don't know what you're doing, someone else does. (Small town humor).

Fly-in Moose Hunting (regular bush pilot Alaskan joke)
Lloyd and Bruce fly in to the Alaskan interior to go moose hunting. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of these animals--you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take-off."

"That's baloney", says Bruce.

"Yeah," Lloyd agrees, "you're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts; he wasn't afraid to take off."

"Yeah," said Bruce, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"

The pilot got angry, and said, "Well, if he did it, then I can do it, I can fly as well as anybody!" They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the top, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.

Still alive, but shaken and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said "Where are we?"

Bruce rolled out from being thrown in a bush, looked around, and said, "I'd say, about a hundred yards further than last year."

The Stranger (another Alaskan standby)
One night a musher, who had spent many days on the trail, pulled into a small town that liked to tease strangers, which he was. Seeking refreshment, he entered the town's tavern and ordered a beer. Finishing his beer, he exited the tavern only to discover that his entire dog team was missing. He turned and walked back into the tavern and pulled a shotgun out from under his large coat. He tossed it into the air and caught it above his head, firing a shot into the ceiling. "I'm going to have another beer," he announced in a stern voice, "and when I'm done with it, I'm going back outside. I'd better see my dog team returned. If it isn't, I'm going to do what I had to do in Misvik, and believe me, I don't like to do what I had to do in Misvik." A few of the locals shuffled nervously in their seats as the stranger returned to the bar and ordered another beer and drank it as slowly and calmly as the first one. After finishing his beer, he left the tavern again, this time to find his team back where it originally was. Before he mushed off into the darkness, the bartender came outside and asked him "Before you go, stranger, tell me - what did you have to do in Misvik?" "I had to walk home."

Alaskan Computer Terms (I just go where they point me)
Log on: Make the wood stove hotter.
Log off: Don't add no more wood.
Monitor: Keep an eye on that wood stove.
Download: Getting the firewood off the truck.
Floppy Disk: What you get from trying to carry too much firewood.
Ram: The thing that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Getting home in the winter.
Prompt: "Throw another log on the fire".
Window: What to shut when it's cold outside.
Screen: What to shut during mosquito season.
Byte: What mosquitoes do.
Bit: What the mosquitoes did.
Megabyte: What BIG mosquitoes do.
Chip: Munchies when monitoring.
Microchip: What's left after you eat the chips.
Modem: What you did to the weeds.
Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where kitty sleeps.
Mouse: What eats the food in your pantry.
Mainframe: What holds the house up.
Web: The things spiders make.
Web Site: The garage or attic.
Cursor: Someone who swears a lot.
Search Engine: What you do when the truck dies.
Screen Saver: A repair kit for the torn window screen.
Home Page: A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost when hunting moose.
Upgrade: Driving up into Atigun Pass.
Sound Card: One of them technological birthday cards that plays music.
User: Buddy down the street who keeps coming over borrowing stuff.
Network: When you have to repair your fishing net.
Internet: Where the fish get caught.
Netscape: When a fish gets away.
On-line: When you get the laundry on the clothesline.
Off-line: When the clothespin lets go and the laundry falls on the ground.

Most sorry I feel for a moose is when they run under a swing set and start running around with the swingset on their antlers. They shake off the bars and are left with the chain and swing swinging in the middle of their rack. This told while everyone present is hooting, hollering and spitting laughter. Goodnight.