Guitar Hero 5, to be precise

I recently had a visitor who went to hang her coat in my closet and saw the stack of boxes containing Wii, Guitar Hero 5 and the like up in my closet.  I had a tv given to me here in that I had lent mine to someone else in Salem.  This tv here has some qualities one remembered from years past and so I thought better of trying to hook a bunch of electronics up to it.

Not so much my friend, however, she hooked all of it up let's say 10 minutes, whipped out the guitar and started to jam.  Keep in mind that when I moved into my cabin I didn't even have a microwave.  There was no beeping, humming, background noise of tv, nothing.  I loved the silence, loved it.  I started slowly adding creature comforts to my life and the noise level escalated.


So, that night there was a fire in the woodstove, the winds was blowing and the cabin was rocking with tunes.  I was able to hook my bose speakers to the tv so the sound really is loud and great.  She is accomplished at this game and thus I found those flying fingers impressive.  Watching her, though, I thought that is just not something I see myself doing well.  She was/is fast.  So, this past Saturday night, while on Skype together, I asked how to get started.  I did beginners, strumming for a little while, she moved me to easy and I started to add notes.  On Tuesday I decided that I had been at this for a few days so I should try medium difficulty.  I was being told that most people take a year of practice to move through medium.

Okay, I have two new addictions: skype and Guitar Hero 5.  I burned through four medium sets and am now having to practice hard.  The goal has become not to get kicked off before the song ends.  Last night Kryptonite smoked me and I went to bed wondering if I could get through it.  This morning, I did.  You see, my goals in life have become pray easy, pray lots, pray hard, work hard, work easy, play hard, play easy, love easy, easy love, love is easy, love hard, not love is hard.  I am having so much fun with toys, friends, dancing.  I am finding out that the Creator does mean for each of us to have prosperity and love.

I have no hate for anyone in my heart.  I love that feeling.  I have ceased judgment and accepted that I am not God and am not qualified to judge anyone.  I have no idea what the big picture of their life has done to them.  In other words, the more humility I live with, the more fun I'm having.  Get that.  Who knew?

Popcorn

Okay, I like popcorn, plain, buttered, full of hot sauce, I however, do not want to be the popcorn.  I was the popcorn this morning on the bush plane flight in.  Plane popcorn, versus, plain popcorn.  Sort of funny, that.

My buddy, school counselor, sat next to me and burst into tears as we dove and twisted.  I sat calmly next to her rubbing her back as she leaned forward to hug the seat in front of her.  Two weeks ago she was in a near collision with another bush plane up over Saldovia.  Her year or two of scary flights, her near miss and her very angry pilot after that near miss, took its toll this morning.  I thought she was really brave to get back in the plane and to keep going.

The ice is profoundly intense here today and we're all walking carefully.  It's been more difficult for people to be happy in that winter is dragging on, gray skies, rain, snow, ice, wind...I'm finding out about the depression in the villages and in Alaska during the winter months.  I, however, discovered the Guitar Hero that has been in my closet.  This past weekend I started strumming as a beginner and with Leigh's encouragement, tried easy.  I think it is so much fun.  As I study for this exam I allow myself two songs for every chunk of study time.  I think I'm still a external reward based person.  Oh, that would be Behavioral Theory.  See, Guitar Hero is helping me study.

Off to the business of being the therapist, a role.

Focus

I had forgotten just how goal oriented I am.  I like to set a challenge, set the steps to meet it and execute those steps.  I realized today that I have a deadline to meet in February and added physical fitness to aid in my focus.  I have been somewhat challenged in that regard since my foot is back in an aircast, however, I am finding ways to work around that.

This time it's my right foot and I'm finding that I will have to work around having two feet challenged by potential fractures.  It makes it hard here in Alaska to get around, however, I am maintaining a good attitude around that. 

Today, I met my gym goal and am confident that with persistence that I will meet my larger goals.  I met a friend for dinner, worked at the office, studied hard for an upcoming exam and spent time with Leigh on Skype.  I think I might be a Skype addict. 

I see this time of focus as a good time.  I like the concreteness of the goals I have set. 

Let it Snow

I was supposed to fly out today to the village and could not because of the bush planes being grounded by a blizzard.  I was told that the winds in the village were reaching 50 miles per hour.  I have no desire to get on an airplane of any sort in those winds.  My friends in the village let me know that I did not want to get on a plane.  I think it's nice that we watch out for each other.

I understand the Alaskan fatigue with cold weather around this time of the year.  We are staying in more, resisting public outings and making more excuses to just build a fire in the woodstove and stay in.  I find I'm using the overhead lights more in the house; I usually cannot stand so much harsh light, so that I have a sense of more daylight.  The sun starts coming up at 9 and makes it all the way up between 10:00 and 10:30 am.  Then, the sun heads back down around 5:00 pm.  It's not what people think that it is dark 24/7 here.  I'm told we have to go further up into Alaska for that to happen.

I'm told that the sun stays out until 11:30 pm in the summer and that we all will go wild with our kayaks and such.  I know that the tanning places are looking good.  The steam room at the gym is a happy place.  The bed with the electric blanket on, lovely.  I am gravitating toward anything warm. 

So, that's the way we get through winter here.  We watch movies, exercise a lot at the gym and at home, have people come over so that we don't have to go out, make the outing at a restaurant so everyone will show up, clean up email on our computers, sort out photos and take care of any business that we don't want hanging over our heads in the summer time.  We clean, dirty, clean, dirty, clean.  We brave walks on the beach in the bitter cold.  We find a few close friends and go with the flow of hanging out in our own homes until we're absolutely ready to gear up and head out.

It's relaxed, no pressure and respectful of each other's quest for peace.  There is something to be said about living where the elements determine the activity level.  We are so in the now.  I think that at the same time, we're looking really, really forward to the sun, warmth, 67 degrees, like that's 60 degrees warmer than the usual winter day, of the promised summer months.  In the meantime, I'm hitting the gym, a nap and more work today.  The pace works for me.

Love

The writing of my last post allowed me to pour out my sadness at hatred, punishment, silence and judgment between human beings.  I have had so many people in my life for a million years, exaggeration, smile, that have known me through tough times and happy times.  I have held the hands of many people through both their tough times and sunny times.

My college buddy and friend, sister of over 30 years was drawn to me when she showed me that she had made the dean's list and according to her I exclaimed, "Good for you."  She said it was so hard to find people who are genuinely happy for someone else's success without lamenting for themselves.  I just knew that at that moment I was really happy for her.  I believe it was kind of her to point out my support and enthusiasm.  I became aware at that moment of the profound impact of the lack of selfishness.

I have loved so deeply in my life that I have had to turn my head, avert my eyes from another human being's pain.  I have loved so hard that I have held eye contact during deep times of pain.  I have been forgiven many times, thank God for grace, and I have forgiven many times.  This all adds up to a knowing about community.  I am working hard to return to my loved ones all that they have given me.

I make mistakes and instead of being chastised, humiliated or denegrated, my friends smile and point out that everyone makes mistakes.  I remember each time this has been done for me which allows me to listen graciously and gracefully to my loved ones when they talk about their own mistakes. 

I live in Alaska, am a spirit healer and am being more supported in my life than I ever imagined possible.  I have so many people that I can't wait to talk to and who can't wait to talk to me.  So, the other side of writing about my sadness regarding hatred, is to write about my joy at loving and being loved so profoundly.

There are some very sick, angry people out there and those people are not happy unless they try to bring us down to their level of misery.  I like where I'm sitting and encourage all of us to ignore heartily the opinions of the those who are seeking company for their misery.  There are way too many of us out here who truly want the best for people.

Thank you for being my rock, my water, my love, my air, my wind, my voice when I am tired, my spirit walker when I need it, my friend, companion, my voice of reason and truth, my support, my eyes when I do not see clearly, my ears when I am not listening, my heart mirror, my idea buddy, my soul trip companion, my navigator, my faith lived, manifested and real.  Thank you, all of you.

What Really Matters

Hate.  What an interesting right one has.  To hate, to judge, to make suffer, to feel wronged to the point of punishing.
What really matters?  I know that I had a falling out with a friend that really mattered/s to me and chose to continue a relationship with someone who she really felt strongly about.  I chose the person, who now practices active hate toward me, over my friend who really saw this coming.
Now, this caring friend had her third stroke this week.  It is very serious and I am fortunate that she is willing to forgive my not listening to her warnings. 
I am struggling to forgive myself for practicing self righteous anger and not moving forward from a position of love to thank her for truly caring about me.  I can only make a living amend and be the most forgiving person I can be, open myself to listening to my friends and make choices to surround myself with people who love me just the way I am.
This week has taught me a valuable teaching.  Time is of the essence.  I find myself really writing that list of people to whom I humbly owe an amend, especially if I assumed without gathering the facts directly from the person.  I wish us all the presence of mind to truly love.

Alaska

I looked up as I put things in my car at the office today and there was this moose, not just the scat I find in my yard

At the drugstore today, I saw this sign

This baby moose, with its mother, just dropped slowly down to his/her knees to eat grass.  I watched in wonder at this today

The sunset a few nights ago taken from the front yard of the cabin

Balance

My colleague showing me some fun around the village




My colleague in one of the villages said, "You're a candle right now burning at both ends."  I thought about that as she continued, "There used to be three people doing your job; the organization lost funding when they terminated their grant writer and now you're doing the work of three people."  She added, "And furthermore, you are being asked to be away from home far more than any other staff; you live the life of a crabber."

As I crawled back into my own bed the other night, I thought about what she had said.  I have been very tired since arriving on this job.  Tragedies, trauma and only one of me seemed to creep up on me in light of her words.  I realized that I have been avoiding difficult cases so that means compassion fatigue might be setting in.

There has to be a way to plant some balance in all of this.  Whenever I try to express the unrealistic nature of the demands placed on me, I hear from my higher up peeps, "That's why we asked you what you do for self care right in the interview."  Self care on this job is really just like rearranging chairs on the titantic.  No kidding.  I'm overworked, not given good sleep accomodations and when I try to advocate for my self care, I am sort of blamed for not practicing better self care.  Seems a bit awkward to continue so tired in any case.

So, tomorrow I fly back into one village for two days, return home Tuesday without sleep, try to get some Tuesday night.  I will work 20 hours in those two days.  I'll return to the office on Wednesday to work and then fly out for another 20 hours in another village Thursday and Friday.  I will work hard to help as many struggling folks as I can.

Friday night will mean returning home exhausted and ready to rest up for the weekend.  I love my cabin, my view, my peace in my home and the friends that surround me near and far.  That's the balance I keep in spite of this job.  This candle needs to burn at one end only.

Wind is still blowing here

Big winds.  Eagles flying sideways winds.  Sleet, hail, rain, whipping winds.  I was warned that January and February were windy times up here, but geesh.  We're talking soaking wet clothes with water-carrying winds. 

Mittens, off and ready for the dryer.  Rain gear hanging to dry out hopefully before tomorrow.  Serious packing underway to head into the villages.  Planes grounded and some flying in tipping from wing to wing.
Welcome to Alaska. 

I believe I have met myself here in terms of facing the final frontier, as Alaska is called, and seeing what I'm made of.  I have been judged by some of the most accomplished at judging human beings out there and none of that matters compared to facing myself and knowing.  This majestic State will do that for a person.  I have absolutely nothing to prove to anyone anymore.  Least of all, to me.

New Day, New Year

The wind is blowing hard tonight.  Clean up on Mother Earth.  Out with the old, in with the new.  Old as dirt; dirt that has blown around for centuries or longer.  The original recycling of all.  Is there a space far enough away for the wind to blow out what is old?  I am thinking about the cyclones, the tornados, the push of wind and water everywhere so large that news stories focus on the power of Mother Earth and the Powerlessness of the people.  The wind is blowing hard tonight, clean up on Mother Earth.

No need to fear anything in the New Year.  If the wind is recycling all that is said, blah, blah, blah and done, then we've seen it all before.  Another theory; the wind may bring to us things from far away places. Messages carried on the wind.  Who knows how to talk, read and understand the language of wind?

 Natives believe that all scent and sound is carried on the wind.  Parable:  the wind and the sun were having an argument about who could get the man to take off his cloak.  The wind boasted and blew and blew and the man held his cloak on.  The wind gave up and the sun took over.  The sun just lit up and in no time the man had taken off his cloak.  The gentle approach, otherwise known as heat, accomplished the task. 

The wind is invisible and yet much is described as being carried on the wind.  The wind moves the tide, the waves, the currents.  The wind carries our scent to animals.  The wind moves the tree branches, carries along the birds in flight and bounces our little bush planes around.  We talk about the winds of change. 

Can the winds bring change or do things stay the same?  Can wind reach the place where we think, reach into our brain?  Wind through our hair, kites held in the air and the windmills of our minds.  So, how do we actually accomplish that out with the old in with the new thing?  Where do we put the old?  I believe we recycle it, repurpose it and regurgitate it. 

I recently heard someone described as a windbag after he monopolized a meeting.  I laughed because that term has always been funny to me.  There was such disgust in her spat out windbag. 

So, out with the old, in with the news.  Breaking news, that is.  Another year of herding our thoughts and ideas into the stalls.  Like the car is stalled, the engine is not turning over, we're going nowhere riding on the waves of carefully installed fear.  The boogie man, the big plan, the end of man.  Where will it all end?

I think I'm supposed to care about all of this and yet I just know that the Creator has a real plan, a real hope for woman and man.  So, I'll ride the wind, ask for direction and use faith as the rudder to take me places where higher thoughts lead to higher hopes.  I'll climb on for the continued magic carpet ride, the spirit time, the no reason or rhyme, rhyme or reason, tis the season to say, Happy New Year and to be believing that this year will be the one. 

So, here's to learning to speak Wind, to finding a place to place the old that you out, and for open arms to welcome the new.  Here's to leaning with the winds of change in a flexible way.  Here's to breathing in and breathing out; in other words to gaining comfort with both giving and receiving.  Here's to accomplishing change like the sun on the man with the cloak, not as a windbag forcing others to listen.  Here's to hearing the Good News, tuning into the highest frequencies where only love exists. Peace.