Beauty

Sometimes a person just lucks out.  Amazing to me is the need for beauty for some people.  Aesthetics, finely tuned senses, need for eye, ear, well, senses appeal.  I look around my home and see this beauty, and thankfully, I also mean the beauty in this picture.

I look out in the morning at the mountains.  I look out in the evening at the string of lights around the deck off the bedroom, the attractive furniture and the amazing blue color over the mountains.  I marvel daily that I have legal rights as a couple and that  we are respected, legally, here in Oregon.

I mention my mate to people who celebrate us and understand we are as much of a couple as anyone else.  We sit down and work out bills, housing, vacation plans, feel pain, love and struggles and Leigh makes me realize that I can be proud to be who I am.  She has a ferocious protection toward our family as a unit to be just as valued as any other.

I love her determination, her dedication to us as a family and our times where Tigger, our cat and buddy, joins us to look out over all that we worked to gain.  We dream, feel, hope and work toward a full life together.  Alaska was not nearly as accepting or welcoming to us as a "real" couple.  I nearly returned to Oregon acting and feeling somewhat homophobic.  I was afraid to be out, in a real way, in that I did not feel safe in Alaska with that.  I have a home in Michigan, a state I love, but one in which I have no legal rights as a gay couple.  I own a home and deserve all of the same benefits of any other home owner, however, my mate could be barred from a hospital room there if I became ill and really needed her there.  That's really inexcusable.  Really.

So, I will gladly live in Oregon, though I miss my home state a great deal.  I will proudly announce that I'm legally joined to another human being, an amazing human being.  I will accept her compassionate love and grace.  So, beauty.  Beauty means to me feeling safe to love, looking around at fantastic surroundings, hearing great music, smelling good food cooking, tasting life fully and touching the people and the things that I love.

Party

The top picture looks just like those I took from the cabin in Homer, AK.  Not so, however.  This picture was taken from the balcony, outside my bedroom window, from my home in Salem, OR.  The second picture is the view straight down.  When Leigh said that I would be happy to move back to Salem and that she would see to it that I had a view of a mountain, well, she meant it.

So, we threw a housewarming party last Saturday to share in the beauty of this home and its setting.  The folks loved it.  Further, we met the "other side" of some of our friends.  Leigh and I gained the reputation regarding our party-making ability.

First, we made sure we had plenty of snacks and good music.  Then, our friend, a beautiful woman, performed a fantastic belly dance.  Huge hit.  We moved onto to Guitar Hero and Rock Band and something happened to each party participant when either handed a guitar or a microphone.  One rather seemingly quiet couple sang loud "heys" into the microphone.  One of those two joined the belly dancing as well.  Another couple surprised us by learning the bass guitar parts and by singing loudly and happily to Muse's Uprising.  The evening was full of laughs, food on the grill, delivered flowers and a final performance of hula hoop tricks in the dark, with a led lit hula hoop.  Ya'll come back now, ya hear.  We had so much fun.

We find that we are now part of the world of belly dancing in that we were invited by our friend to see her show at Vino Vixens this past Saturday night.  It was a beautiful night.  Then on Sunday we we attended World Beat and ran into an acquaintance there who invited us to her belly dancing tribal show at 4:00, right then and right there.  That was good as well. 

This summer is shaping up with so many fun things coming our way.  Today, I go to the surgeon to find out about the tendon healing around my ankle.  I have had to sit for months so finding so many entertaining things to attend, sit at, has been a saving grace for me.  Concerts, friends, BBQ's, movies, guitar hero...lots to look forward to and lots to talk about.

Doubt = Loss

There's this song that goes:  "Have you ever wondered why some men crawl while some men fly, it's a decision of the soul.  Life is always what you make it, you can live or you can fake it, it's a decision of the soul.  Anytime your life is changing, it's your soul that's rearranging."  There's more, howver, I think you get it. 

I am in the process of moving forward in my life and realizing that my thoughts direct flow, divert flow, promote or stifle flow.  I heard it said for years that we manifest what we think and I believe the meaning of that dawns on us slowly over time.  So, if I think, pray, focus on positive things theywill happen.  That which we focus on grows.  There are ten powerful two letter words: If it is to be it is up to me.  There's Zig Ziglar, Tony Robinson, Marianne Williamson, Jesus, Dali Llama, greatness pinpointed in a specific human being, varying degrees of greatness spreading messages of hope and self empowerment.

Dare to be self directed.  Dare to say the most positive thing that can come to mind when someone shares their good news with you.  Dare to support, encourage, hold up, push when necessary and above all promote childlike enthusiasm in the belief that anything, everything great is possible.  

I am a flower, a one of a kind.  I am a rock that chages sizes.  I am a blue sky when you look up and see me smiling at you.  I am the reason you woke up warm this morning and the reason you're excited about crawling into bed tonight.  What if we thought about that each day?  What is we celebrated our own importance to another person?

Sure, life is about the carpet choices, the art on the walls, the car in the driveway, the kink in the garden hose and the haste to remove it, the flowers that live and die and teach us how to take care of the next batch, the cookies that drip warm chocolate down the side of our lips, the great feel of new socks, the smell of our lover's hair, the sun on our face, the moments where tears fall because we love someone so much. 

The best part for me is realizing what it is like to feel safe, really safe with the expression of any thought or emotion.  What it really means when someone means it when they say they don't judge.  I like the shocking surprise of how even keeled I can be when "loved right".  The woman in the picture above is looking at me when this picture was taken.  She is looking at me.   I get that; I get that love, I get her love.

Doubt has always equaled loss for me.  Period.  I have doubted some people and their professed love for me and I have always been accurate in that doubt. 

So, the opposite of doubt, what is that?  Compassion, love, knowing, believing...well, then, I believe.



Family First

Leigh took this photo from our front yard in Alaska.  No words describe this level of ethereal.

Hello.  I write to you from Portland, OR, where I am reuniting with my spouse after being gone for one month.  It has been hard to be apart after joining together.  I am so happy to be home with her and thinking, planning and being together.  I love our cabin in Alaska and I love also that home really is wherever we are together.

There is much to do in regards to joining our lives in this physical constructed reality.  Each of us has had dreams that we have surrendered to time consuming relationships.  Each of us has been involved in life in a way that pushed to the back the ideas and hopes we had as kids.  Each of us understands what it is like to sit in the row boat with a partner who rows for the opposite shore, rowing against each other and away from successfully living out potential.  Sad that, however, we are not alone and many a person sits still in their 50's and wonders where they got derailed. 

Then we watch movies.  We read books.  We listen to friends.  We listen to people at gatherings and somewhere in us this ember deep inside each of us begins to glow just a little more brightly.  We sit in prayer, we meditate, we smell a flower, feel the breeze on our face, and sometimes sit in a boat and feel the breeze and sun on our face.  We open our senses to the smell of water, the sound of the sea gulls, the taste of ice tea and we know that these moments swell like the light from a firefly.  We see our path as lit in that moment to sitting fully where we are, exploring, knowing, feeling....content.  And then we get it; if we think about all these moments like strings of lights on a Christmas tree, each light a moment lit by the same current, we see it.  One current runs through the wires that fill the space between each light, each moment.  One current, powered by a source strings together each of these beautiful lights.  Each light, moment, though in a separate space on the current, is part of that string of lights, that strung together produce the ooh and ahh's sounds from human observers.

That's my life, I am my own string of lights, I am made up of each of those moments lit by one current, one source.  Strings of lights come in different colors, just like people.  Strings of lights come in different shapes, just like people.  Strings of lights come in different lengths, just like people.  And when we join our string of lights together, called family and friends, we light up the planet.  I am beautiful on my own; my moments are beautiful, my source is beautiful.  And while I was in Alaska, away from my Leigh, with my string of lights, I felt just a little less bright.  We stayed plugged into the same source, the same source of power and current, however, the physical touch is where we join our lights together.  Think about hugging a child and how both the adult and the child get "lit" up.  Think about petting a cat, a dog, any animal and remember how both get "lit" up.  Think about holding the hand of your lover and glow with that smile.

I am home right now and I am feeling our connection, our needs, our happiness at being in the same space and realizing that we need to put each other first.  Not one other opinion, but that of our Creator, matters when it comes to putting family first.  She is my mate, my friend, my reason for lighting up in the morning.  I feel so peaceful just writing this.  Like the picture up above.  The moments before, the bright light moments, glow as memories, the dark moments might actually be the cord between the lights, still connected to spirit and learning for the next bright light show.  And the moments to come?  Well, as long as I stay connected to the source, each bulb will get that little twist it needs, just at the right moment to light up and join the others.  Further, as long as I stay connected to the people who love me, I'll never have to feel alone and neither will they.  What great purpose we have together, this, being the light of the world.

Mountain Majesty

Sunset last night at Bishop's Beach

I was sitting in meditation this morning, sage burning, soft music playing and felt this pull to open my eyes, to look out.  There, in front of me, this majestic mountain range held up the clouds, punctuated by spots where the peaks poked through.  My eyes held and soaked in the peaceful blue of the sky and I watched as eagles, seagulls and ravens flew by.  The world, everyone else's world was happening as I was trying to slow my down to focus on the Creator.  I opened my eyes to Creation.  Eyes closed:  Creator.  Eyes open:  Creation.  There is no separation only degree of foucs and intention. 
Human beings often cannot realize the proximity of their own heart to their spine, their knee to their foot, their hip to their shoulder.  Referred pain or traveling pain, like the shoulder is hurt and the pain travels down to the hand, seems foreign to us due to the perceived distance.  And yet, all is connected.  For example, if we hurt a foot, it throws off our back to walk and thus our neck.  Not much distance between that foot and that neck, just perceived distance.
Not much distance between spirit world and this physical constructed reality either.  One person described thin air as spaces where spirit can really be felt.  Some call them the vortices, such as those found in Sedona,  AZ.  I propose that it is all thin air, that there really is not distance at all between the Creator and Creation.  I am part of Creation, you are part of Creation, therefore, we are part of the Creator.  I wonder if that mountain range looks back at me and purports such a thought as this, "Look at her standing on that bluff, the blue sky around her, her beautiful green eyes and listen to her sing as she fills the air with song."  I wonder if that mountain would like to get together with me sometime, have me climb about on her and sit on her.  Two friends, part of the Creator and Creation. 
I am one.  I am two.  I am all things, everything if I accept being fully connected to all.  I do my part and what about this ability, if part of all, to draw on all for wisdom, healing, teaching and knowing?  Think about it, if you will, we have access to all historical records in the sound of the whale, hundreds of years of history recorded in the rings system of a tree, century old rocks that have seen it all, other humans who have specialized in something and access to the Great Spirit, Gitchii Manitou.  Confusion and suffering is optional.  Eyes wide open, heart wide open, curiosity pedal pressed to the floor, wondering alive and moments to ponder plenty...I see you.

Pheasants and Beautiful Scenes

Pheasant through glass, not under glass, my kitchen window.  Found the big bird in my kitchen staring at me, not even injured.

Couch in front of window.  We've been cleaning up glass for days.  I am so glad nobody was sitting on this couch.  Glass shards and possible impaling by pheasant.

Just saying hello to ya'll from Alaska.  Usually wearing a coat it seems.

Right off the bluff in front of our cabin.  We think the pheasant that went through the window was being chased by one of these eagles.

Eagle at attention as I walk by to see another.

I walk up on eagles in my trees, sit by eagles, pet eagles and stand by eagles.  How glorious.

A few months ago at Bishop's Beach.  There is much more sand showing now.

No matter what is going on around us there is always something of beauty on which to focus.  Sometimes we find ourselves in a room full of people so different from ourselves.  There is strength in numbers so if we are different than the group we are with it doesn't mean we are less than.  We are just different.  I once sat in a classroom of all African Americans in a Black Literature class just to feel what  it was like to be the minority in the classroom.  I loved the class, the teachings and yet I felt very uncomfortable each time I entered the room.  I talked, looked and experienced life differently than the majority of foks I was sitting among.  I was young and did not have the courage to inquire into their experiences; I was there for the love of literature and to feel, to experience what it must be like to stand out in a room as the one who was very different.  I have carried that teaching with me forever and it has provided me with a better degree of compassion.

In the movie the Green Mile, the Healer, falsely accused and living on death row, just before being executed states that he can feel the hatred toward him in the room of watchers.  He said it felt like a hundred bee stings.  The guard told him to just feel what the guards felt toward him because they had respect and love for him.  That was a powerful moment for me in the movie, a reminder that all sorts of people can be around us, judging us, determining our worth from their position of superiority and yet if we just center on, focus on the love of the people who see our hearts, we will be okay.  Focus on the Creator, focus on good, focus on loved ones...they might not be right in the room with us, however, they are there in spirit.  My prayer?  I hope that I am a someone that brings peace, a feeling of safety, a good thought, a smile, when someone I love is feeling down, or maybe just not supported or is in a rough situation. 

Women in Alaska

FIRST FEMALE BUSH PILOT I WAS ABLE TO PHOTOGRAPH

Women of Alaska, the smile of many a newcomer to Alaska is the thought that many of the women act and look like lesbian women down in the lower 48.  It's not so much the look, it's the energy.  And it's a compliment.  It does make it hard for a lesbian woman to arrive in Alaska and know who to ask out on a date.  Okay, maybe some of the look indicates a willingness to grab a galeforce wind, motor a skiff out on rough waters and fillet one's own fish, however, that aside, it's still the energy.  Yes, the clothing sometimes consists of great boots, jeans or wind pants and fabulous technical season gear.  The Subaru vehicles will be complete with Kayak racks.  I may have just described myself in some fashion.  Let's see:  I drive a Subaru, ride bush planes nearly daily to work, own a chainsaw and work in rather lawless settings.

While sitting at my first fundraiser dinner in Homer, a large group of actually quite feminine looking women were announcing that the women of Homer are great.  They were telling me it may be hard to find a great man in that there is somewhat of an Alaskan flavor to the men.  I listened intently and then they went on to talk about the self sufficient, neat, wise, smart, talented women of Homer.  I announced that life had started to look up for me because I bat for the other team.  They laughed so hard.  And there I was, out in Homer.

I have found a freedom in the clear talking about who I am.  Somewhere along the line I had swallowed a huge dose of homophobia and had begun to think that I should not put people through listening to me describe the love in my life because it might make them uncomfortable.  Love, the talk of love, making people uncomfortable?  And yet, hours are spent discussing ugly events and darkness and negative, fear-making stories....then, I realized that we are also asked not to openly talk about our love for God because that might make people uncomfortable.

I find myself living in a world where talking about the two great loves of my life:  God and my beautiful wife, Leigh, might make people uncomfortable. Imagine that.  Really, hopefully imagining that makes people uncomfortable.

I am a Native woman, a recovering alcoholic starting my 24th year of sobriety on March 21st (all glory back to the Creator), a lesbian, two-spirited, spirit healer minority, minority, minority.  I am supposed to be the silent, marginalized, living on the fringe, lacking a voice, oppressed woman, according to societal expectation, and yet, I have never felt so alive and powerful. 

Ahh, I think it has something to do with love.  Love from Joan, my adopted mom, and love from my elders in Salem and love from people who have earned the place of family in my life.  And most of all, this strength comes from my love both to and from the Creator and from my beautiful spouse.  What does all of this have to do with the women of Alaska?  Well, I'll tell you.  They would be proud of me for standing up, pulling the starter cord on my chainsaw and asking, "Do you really want to tell me that who and how I love is wrong?"  Hmmm....